We all know it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse, and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. I myself have never figured out the proper use of the semicolon ; does anybody remember Blair's "special" cousin Jerri on The Facts Of Life"? As you are on your deathbed, there is tremendous cause to worry about this. First off, if you have lost the power of speech, then communicating on an erase board is now your only option. How horrible would it be if you requested a banana, and rhubarb pie, and you were brought a banana AND rhubarb pie! It would simply taste awful. Even more important is the fact that there's little time to change your last will and testament. What if you bequeathed everything by stating that, "all belongings should be left in my cat's possession ", rather than, "all my belongings should be left in my cats' possession."? Helloooo?...you haven't specified WHICH OF YOUR 36 CATS is the rightful heir. Oh, the legalities! Here are three of the most common puncuation mistakes :
1. Writing Sentence Fragments
Sentence fragments are not complete sentences but they can be made a part of sentences. You should avoid using them, as such. For example:
I would go there. If I could.
There should be no period before the sentence fragment “if I could”. Instead, the fragment should be made part of the sentence, so that it reads like this:
I would go there if I could.
2. Using the Comma Splice
The comma splice joins two independent clauses with a comma. Below is an example. I saw the itinerary, I want to join.
In this sentence, a comma connects two independent clauses. To correct this, you can either put a period after the first independent clause or add a conjunction after the comma. I saw the itinerary. I want to join. I saw the itinerary, and I want to join.
3. Putting Apostrophes for Plural Forms of Nouns
Another common mistake is adding apostrophes to plural nouns. Below are examples. The orange’s are really sweet. The kid’s will be performing in a musical.
The apostrophes in these examples should be omitted.
*I stole this. I am stunned that the apostrophe proves so difficult. I also don't like the fact that National Punctuation Day is on September 24, because now I have to remember TWO dates that month.
*E.A.T. : 4 months...time to start editing that will.
This is relative, depending on the services offered and whether or not you are empathetic to those individuals who perform the tasks that you yourself would never in a million years be caught dead doing. As it stands, the rule of thumb says that 15% is an acceptable amount provided there are no pubic hairs in your eggs benny. Personally, I have always tended to lean towards over-tipping, either because I have a deeper understanding of grueling jobs, or because I am extremely insecure and have a deeper seeded desire to acquire false recognition from those who I will likely never see again in my lifetime. If however, you are an individual who tips less than ten percent, you do so not because you attest to requiring better service, rather you are a petty tightwad.
Top Occupations That Deserve Receiving Tips, But Do Not :
1. Nurses - These good folks make our boo boos feel better as only mommy can, AND they are willing to spend their days engulfed in fluids (I can think of four, though I'm sure any nurse would correct me) that, upon introduction, would cause any average individual to faint like David Archuleta in a vagina factory.
2. Teachers - They shape our children and instill in them proper values so that we don't have to, and we take all the credit while these underpaid professionals are rewarded with nothing but accusations of molestation on interview night, and the odd Christmas mug.
3. Ninjas - As it is not generally discussed, it is a little known fact that the ever modest ninja will never ask to receive a gratuity for the dangerous services provided, rather he (unfortunately, the only mythical evidence of a female ninja can be found in the video below) does so out of pure nobility. As he will kill you if you offer a tip, place a bill under a rock, as said ninja will no doubt find it long after you have gone.
Top Occupations That Receive Tips, But Do Not Deserve To :
1. Prostitutes - No matter how sick and twisted the fantasy they have just fulfilled for you was, they have already been amply compensated by the agreed upon rate. Believe me.
2. Taxi drivers - I get it, you drove me from one place to another. Good job.
3.Bell Staff - Wait, how do I turn on the television again? The hot water is on the LEFT, correct?
While of course any of you can lament those years you spent at the pointy end of a mop in the glory hole, your regrettable decisions can't hold a candle to the once phenomenal thespian Nicholas Cage. Indeed, when Mr. Cage reads this post on his own deathbed in 2022, he will no doubt be hoping to parlay his position into one last comeback role. Might I suggest a biopic of Terri Schaivo entitled, "At War With Benjamin Franklin". The gender transformation alone would garner a nomination. Need evidence? Check out these roles, and corresponding dates :
1) Raising Arizona - 1987
2) Moonstruck - 1987
3) Vampire's Kiss - 1988
4) Leaving Las Vegas - 1995
5) Gone In Sixty Seconds - 2000
6) Captain Corelli's Mandolin - 2001
7) National Treasure - 2004
8) The Wicker Man - 2006
9) G-Force - 2009
10) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - 2010
To make you feel better, here are some bad times I have had :
- One time I zoned out in my car and was rocking out all by myself to ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long". I was trying to scream only as Angus Young can and I was pumping my fist like a mad man. It just so happened that I was driving past a funeral procession.
- I show up early to everything. While I to this day insist that it makes me considerate of others, most of my friends assure me that I am actually giving the appearance of being too needy. Needy and awkward.
- When my grandmother was on her very own deathbed, it appeared to be the very end. She was unresponsive, and had been for some time. I turned and asked my brother, "How much time do you give her?" At which point my grandmother looked at both of us and said, "Fuck off."
What's the worst case of timing you've ever had? Comment below & you could win $100.00 cash (contest now closed). Seriously.
Time for our second contest all...our previous winner, SB, received $100 just for commenting on one of our posts so far. Here's what you need to do for chance number 2. Go to this post. Comment below the post & tell all of us your most all timiest embarrassing story. Don't worry you're among friends, and none of us will judge you (except for those of us that will be judging you). Remember to INCLUDE your name & email address ON THE ACTUAL POST. If you are worried about being scrutinized, make up an alias and use an email account that doesn't show your real name (though I'm sure many of us have much better things to do than correspond with you). That's it!! Contest closes September 30, and the author of the winning tale will win the $100 prize, which will be sent via pigeon courier, or electronically (whichever you prefer).
"Me and my friends/extended family spend way too much time discussing and preparing for a zombie attack that will never happen... Or will it... " - Chelsea
"Ahhhhh, I remember when I won $100 from that awesome blog contest!..." - Amity
"Can someone go to the store and get me a beer? - Kye
"Finally - some time to sleep :)" - KTG
"I wonder if my boner would stay if I had one right now...." - Anthony
"Dying as a virgin...new trend or just pathetic?" - Emily
"I have enough patience to read this entry and leave a comment for it. Sleep on it. " - SBS (Left on post 859. You Were Never Very Patient)
"Maybe if they would've had duct tape, I'd still be alive." - Spud
"Hmmmm I didn't realize how much I took breathing for granted." - Sherry & Gena
"Well shit. I know there is something I wanted to say, but I have no idea what." - Anthony
"I wonder if cryogenics really works." - Betty
"If my son-in-law, whom I have never been fond of, is going to spend part of the inheritance that I leave for my daughter and if he is smiling counting the minutes until I am gone...ARGH!" - SG
"People who finally return crap they borrowed years ago knowing you cant possibly use it now and they will be *borrowing* it again once you are dead." - Dawn
We all know it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse, and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. I myself have never figured out the proper use of the semicolon ; does anybody remember Blair's "special" cousin Jerri on The Facts Of Life"? As you are on your deathbed, there is tremendous cause to worry about this. First off, if you have lost the power of speech, then communicating on an erase board is now your only option. How horrible would it be if you requested a banana, and rhubarb pie, and you were brought a banana AND rhubarb pie! It would simply taste awful. Even more important is the fact that there's little time to change your last will and testament. What if you bequeathed everything by stating that, "all belongings should be left in my cat's possession ", rather than, "all my belongings should be left in my cats' possession."? Helloooo?...you haven't specified WHICH OF YOUR 36 CATS is the rightful heir. Oh, the legalities! Here are three of the most common puncuation mistakes :
