857. You Don't Reveal Enough About Yourself **Contest #2

Time for our second contest all...our previous winner, SB, received $100 just for commenting on one of our posts so far. Here's what you need to do for chance number 2. Go to this post. Comment below the post & tell all of us your most all timiest embarrassing story. Don't worry you're among friends, and none of us will judge you (except for those of us that will be judging you). Remember to INCLUDE your name & email address ON THE ACTUAL POST.  If you are worried about being scrutinized, make up an alias and use an email account that doesn't show your real name (though I'm sure many of us have much better things to do than correspond with you). That's it!! Contest closes September 30, and the author of the winning tale will win the $100 prize, which will be sent via pigeon courier, or electronically (whichever you prefer).

*E.A.T. : Two months

Top Comments -SB Won $100!

"Me and my friends/extended family spend way too much time discussing and preparing for a zombie attack that will never happen... Or will it... " - Chelsea

"Ahhhhh, I remember when I won $100 from that awesome blog contest!..." - Amity

"Can someone go to the store and get me a beer? - Kye

"Finally - some time to sleep :)" - KTG

"I wonder if my boner would stay if I had one right now...." - Anthony

"Dying as a virgin...new trend or just pathetic?" - Emily

"I have enough patience to read this entry and leave a comment for it. Sleep on it. " - SBS (Left on post 859. You Were Never Very Patient)

"Maybe if they would've had duct tape, I'd still be alive." - Spud

"Hmmmm I didn't realize how much I took breathing for granted." - Sherry & Gena

"Well shit. I know there is something I wanted to say, but I have no idea what." - Anthony

"I wonder if cryogenics really works." - Betty

"If my son-in-law, whom I have never been fond of, is going to spend part of the inheritance that I leave for my daughter and if he is smiling counting the minutes until I am gone...ARGH!" - SG

 "People who finally return crap they borrowed years ago knowing you cant possibly use it now and they will be *borrowing* it again once you are dead." - Dawn

858. You Don't Have A "Porn Friend"

We're not talking about one who you would enjoy watching, making, or discussing pornography with. Rather we are focusing on the extremely serious issue that RIGHT NOW, you should have at least one person in your life that you are comfortable enough to have break into your apartment, and access your computer to delete all unsavory messages, pictures, and videos. They should also wipe the screen and keyboard for you. Keep in mind that you will have to divulge your password to this person, and NO ONE else. Mine is "fluffykitties9/11". The last thing you want people remembering you for (especially your family) is that records show you visited this site at 6:30 pm on December 24. They now know you were not late for Christmas Mass on account of a flat tire. I established this relationship years ago with my friend Matt. Since that time, I have been frantically searching my whole system and deleting several pictures that I have of Matt's cock.

E.A.T. : 2 seconds

859. You Were Never Very Patient

Just by waiting so long for this post, you have proven that you are A) quite patient indeed and B) still alive. Weren't you raised properly? Patience is a virtue after all. In fact there are no other virtues known to man. There are characteristics, similes, and juxtapositions, but no other virtues. At present, you have every right to be impatient. You want that morphine NOW and you deserve it. The past however is a different story. You should have been more patient. Those individuals who are not are clitwads. If you honk your horn in traffic and expect all vehicles within your immediate vicinity to miraculously disappear into thin air, you are too impatient, and you are well, dumb. True story...last year I was fourth in the grocer's line when a woman went right to the front and placed five frozen pizzas on the counter.  The four of us gave her a look but she told us that she was in a hurry to get home for a pizza party for her son. Apparently this was acceptable to us, as we said nothing more. Instead we all looked at the floor sheepishly. It was pathetic. There are times however, when it is acceptable to be impatient :

- Any toll booth. Ever. Just take the E-Z Pass. Have you ever heard of an individual going to jail for doing so?

- You have to go to the bathroom, but the present occupant is busy reading Shiterature, even though they have clearly finalized their task.

- The 18 minutes of previews, warnings, trivia, propaganda, and advertisements that precede any theatrical release.

- The twelve minute mark of any Jerry Bruckheimer film. Don Simpson checked out at just the right time.

- Waiting for your bus stop while seated next to a clearillegal who sees fit to gorge on a tupperware of cold chicken tikka masala while drips come off their mouth and splatter the latest issue of People magazine (the left hand page of which is resting on YOUR leg).

***E.A.T. : 7 seconds